Cycle Vs Car

Santa goes to a bar in London for a couple of drinks. As he is sitting alone and drinking, he notices a sexy woman sitting in a corner, alone and staring at him. At first he tries to ignore her, but the sight of her huge boobs is still rolling in his mind and he looks at her again. Now the woman smiles back at him and Santa gets very excited.

He gulps down a couple of neats and gathering courage goes upto her and says, "Excuse me...I am Santa from India. Can I sit here and buy you a drink?"

The woman agrees and soon both of them are drinking away like good old friends. Then after everything is through Santa and the lady walk out of the bar. But Santa is in a great mood to screw her.

Again gathering courage and slighty drunk, he asks her, "Eschcuse me, can we have sex tonight, please??"

The lady says, "Well I don t mind, but you see I’m on my menstrual cycle"

"No problem" says Santa "you proceed in your menstrual cycle, I will follow you in my Honda Accord !"

Squaring off!

Santa goes into a very exclusive hotel for a night with a call girl and asks for a room. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever.

In the morning Santa and the girl came to settle the bill and were surprised to find the amount to be over $3000.

"How's this? We ve only been here one night!" Santa was annoyed.

"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis course, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."

"But we didn't use any of these!" explained Santa.

"If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.

"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said Santa.

"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"

"If you didn't use - that's your problem!"

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

Fondling Fingers

A typical married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty". He did this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband confused, asked, "What are you doing taking all your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my "kitty", I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight. The husband said, "No, not at all."

Then the wife asked, "Well what the hell were you doing then?"

To which the husband replied, "I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book."

Virgin @ 90

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

Naked --- The dress of love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter, 'What are you doing naked?'

The daughter responds, 'This is the dress of love.'

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her, 'What are you doing naked?'

She responds, 'This is the dress of love.'

'Well,' he says to her, 'go iron it first.'

Jane met Tarzan ....shhhhhh .... having sex

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex.

'What's that?' he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said 'Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.'

'Tarzan, you have it all wrong,' she says horrified, 'but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.

'Here,' she said, 'You must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, 'What the hell did you do that for?'

'Just checking for bees,' said Tarzan.

Sex at the age of 94

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Santa Singh went straight round to visit his grandmother. When he asked how his grandpa had died, his granny explained 'He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning'

Horrified Santa suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

'Oh no' granny replied, 'We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the local church bells, in with the dings and out with the dongs.'

She paused, and wiped away a tear. 'If it wasn't for that damn fire engine going past, he'd still be alive!'

Banta Singh ... The Police Officer

Santa Singh was driving along the highway when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. The officer is Banta Singh.

Officer: May I see your licence?

Santa Singh: License? What does it look like?

Officer: Its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

Santa looks around the car for a rectangular piece of object and finds a compact mirror used by his wife in the glove compartnment.

Santa Singh: Here - this is all I have!

Banta Singh opens it up and says: Oye yaar! Why didn't you tell me! I can't fine you - you're also a police officer!

Where from baby comes?

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

'Mother, where do babies come from?'

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, 'Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.'

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, 'That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.'

The child seems to comprehend.

'Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?'

'Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.'

Bloody Stupid

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. 'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid!'

'Oh no, Daddy,' the daughter replied, 'He's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.'

Why Did The Prostitute.....

What did the doctor say to the prostitute when she complained no hair would grow on her vagina?

Doctor: did you ever see grass grow on a busy high way?