The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

The fate of Penis

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

Achivement in 25th Aniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Love Dress

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"

Remembering Ex-Girlfriend?

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

"I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time."

"You miss me that much?" she asks.

"No," he says. "But it kept me from cumming too fast."

Grils on Plane before Crash

There were 3 girls on a plane that's about to crash.

The American girl puts on her makeup, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first" she said.

French girl opens her bra,"Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful tits."

The African removes her knickers and says "Fuck off, they all ways look for the black box first."

Breast Types

There are many types of breasts out there, but until now, many people experienced problems communicating what particular breasts were like until now...

. . Itty bitty titties

()() Little breasts

(.)(.) Nice breasts

(o)(o) Perfect breasts

(D)(D) Bullets

(O)(O) Handful breasts

(~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts

\o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts

[o][o] Breasts during a mammogram

* ^ * Flat chest

(+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) High nipple breasts

(@)(@) Big nipple breasts

oo A cups

{O}{O} D cups

(^)(^) Cold breasts

(<)(<) Perky breasts

(o)(O) Lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) Pierced breasts

(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts

(-)(-) Flat against the shower door breasts

lollol Android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(ooo) Total Recall breasts (she had three!)

(O)A(O) Tit fucked breasts

Husband Vs Wife

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means,

With Idiot For Ever

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Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.

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Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

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Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute

I asked you to marry me.

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Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.

So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

You know, I was a fool when I married you.

The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

In Between Legs

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache... It's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not yet. . ."

Determine Condom Size

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"

He says, "I don't know."

She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"

He says, "Bigger."

She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"

He says, "Smaller?"

She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."

Request A Song

There was a woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

Who is doing Confession

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

Faithful Vs. Unfaithful

Three men died and stood in front of God.

God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

The effect of Lingre

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage.

After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink.

She slowly spread her legs,and in a husky come f**k me voice says "Honey, would you like some of this?"

The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what it's done to your underwear."

Explanation

Puja and Rahul have been married for six years and have three kids. But Rahul has a strange habit-he will only make love with the lights off.

Pooja puts up with this for as long as she can, but one night her curiosity gets the better of her. She and Rahul are making love in the usual way when suddenly she snaps the light on, and to her horroor, she sees that Rahul is making love to her using a cucumber.

"You impotent wimp!" SHOUTS Pooja. "So this is why you never wanted the lights on! It's disgusting-explian yourself!"

"Okay, dear, "says Rahul, calmly. "I can explain the cucumber, if you can explain our three kids!"

Hotel Bill

Santa goes into a very exclusive hotel for a night with a call girl and asks for a room. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever.

In the morning Santa and the girl came to settle the bill and were surprised to find the amount to be over $3000.

"How's this? We ve only been here one night!" Santa was annoyed.

"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis course, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."

"But we didn't use any of these!" explained Santa.

"If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.

"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said Santa.

"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"

"If you didn't use - that's your problem!"

Dont Scare Kids

Our Santa gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I m having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Balvinder is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
Our Santa slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.

"You bastard," says Santa, "my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Extra marital Affair

Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'

His second friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'

Santa says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.'

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'